Day 12: What are you most afraid of in life?

Being trapped.

Literally, figuratively- it's all the same to me.  The literal meaning of trapped is most terrifying, insinuating some form of binding and the inability to escape.  And yet, to feel this in a less literal way, is a painful feeling.  I've had plenty of jobs, in which I've felt trapped, begging and looking at the horizon for any opportunity which might present, to me, some means of escape.

Being trapped, though, in a relationship, is by far the most dreaded, at least to me, that is.

To be stuck in an unhappy marriage or relationship would be my downfall.  To engage in a relationship, in which I completely lost my sense of self, my goals, my passion and some sense of excitement would break me, I'm afraid.

The fact that I have never married, and never had children relieves me, at times, to no end.  There's freedom in that.  The universe could have bestowed upon me the perfect man at an early age, true.  And life could have been a field of lavender in summer time, but that's not how it worked out for me.

Instead, the universe gave me the gumption to maintain my sense of self and see, openly, when a situation presented itself...sometimes it took me a while to get to a state of recognition, yet ultimately, I can say that I am confident in my choices, up to the point and take some pride in the fact that there was no option, to "take the simple or easy route," in life.

Taking life in stride, amidst the chaos, is something I could certainly work on, but the concept of staying true to myself is a pretty solid one, in my mind...the idea of marrying for anything other than love is unacceptable to me and something I could never bring myself to do.  Marrying for security and out of desperation might be....

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Day 11: What's the first book you see on your bookcase..write about it

Our Looks, Our Lives:  Sex, Beauty, Power and the Need To Be Seen by Nancy Friday.

I picked up this book, originally, while in the CA Credential Program, as a way to better understand what I would be up against, in terms of adolescent girls.  What I didn't know was how much I would take from it, regarding my personal life, as a n adult.  This book is genius in its attempt to discuss and find some reason in the chaotic world of being a woman.

Mostly what I missed for years, however, was the absolute 

sureness of self, the bravery that I owned prior to adolescence, 

that self-image inside that made every door I opened and optimistic 

adventure; why would people note love me? (p247).

So much of my own sense of self seemed to vanish in the seventh grade.  I began to understand the concept of beauty- and I was not it.  I began to understand the concept of making an attempt to better one's self-image, and for that I just had no time, interest, or perhaps, I thought it not worth it to bother any way.

I really should read this book again- it's not about being a feminist, I learned this later in life I suppose as I watched the pretty girls, I realized, somehow, or conjured it in my brain, that smarts would have to carry my weight- and yet, that in itself, didn't always work either.  

I miss who I was as a kid.  I was gracious, thoughtful, kind and I believed in magic.  I still believe in some form of magic, but I also feel that there are times in which...

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Day 10: Name 3 things that enrage you and why

I'm thinking I should have titles this series of blogs "Deep Thoughts with Brett Miller," because they're all SO SERIOUS.  What in the world?

Anyway, on to the topic.

Generally, I have very little patience for folks who think that mockery is the most intellectual form of wit.  To be witty entails far more than the slice of the tongue.  It's also about being quick on your feet and clever.  Deeming one's witty pretenses under the guise of general lack of tact is not the way I choose to carry or handle myself.  Being an ass and then covering it up with humor isn't funny.  It just expresses a shallow heart.

Second, as we might expect, revolves around the way we treat animals and the planet.  I don't believe this Earth is "ours," and I don't believe that animals and the world is ours to do with, simply, as we please.  It's a borrowed home.  Someday we will perish and the Earth will still spin.  Mama Nature has us beat, big time.  

Third revolves around what we do in "the name of God."  We all have a basis of thought revolving around God, some of which deem God for not.  Yet, using God as an excuse to make your own means, or more, collecting money, sickens me, really.  I could....

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Day 9: Name 3 things for which you are grateful

What?  Only three?  I think I might go ahead and just keep making note of as many things as possible because there's too much life lived to be grateful for only three things.  So here goes..

I am grateful for my cat, as he sleeps beside me, atop my heating pad.  His purrs remind me of peace and his affection is unrelenting and I love that.

I am grateful for my parents- they are two of the most patient, calm and loving people on the face of this planet.  From Mom, I have learned that living according to passion is essential and okay.  From dad, I have learned that truly good men still exist and are willing to show affection.  He also talks openly with me...not at me...about anything my brain musters.

I am grateful for my mom's Southern family whose love is unconditional, morals succint and honest.  They cook big, hug biig, laugh big, cry big and love big.

I am grateful for my friend Danielle, who  accepts me, craziness and all- I truly believe she is a soulmate.

I am grateful for books.

I am grateful for my boyfriend, who has taught me that people really do pay heed to their word.  He's still around, and that gives me hope that not every risk one takes in life is unwarranted.

I am grateful for my boyfriend's son, who makes me laugh, with my heart and through my gut.  He is theeee BEST.  And he quotes Nacho Libre with me all the time.

I am grateful for friends  who have given me second chances.

I am grateful for my job.

I am grateful for my perseverance and my independence.

I am grateful for dance and music and wine and friends, all under one roof.

I am grateful for my ability to forgive myself.

I am grateful for a warm bed, and flannel sheets.

I am grateful for Ronda, who makes me laugh til I can't breath and who giggles when I say "don't judge me."

I am grateful for James who makes me laugh til I want to pee, and who reminds me to always follow my....

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Day 8: Blessing and Curse- choose one personality trait which proves to be your blessing and your curse

Oh, this one's way easy...

This is most assuredly my "sensitivity."

It totally sets me off when someone says "you're too sensitive."

I'm not "too sensitive," and I should start correcting people- go ahead and tell me not to take things so personally, but save the sensitivity argument for someone who's a brick wall.

I admit, I do care WAY too much for what others think of me.  I admit that I should call people on their b.s. rather than hold it in.

Being sensitive is assuredly a blessing and a curse.

A curse for it's nature, really.  I can walk in to a room and feel the pressure or lightness of any person.  Arrogant, maybe to say, but it's the truth.  I carry what others say to me, and it impacts me greatly.  It's something I battle constantly...reading people's moods via body language, facial expressions and general weighted shoulders is just who I am.

And I wouldn't choose to shield it.

Sensitivity is a blessing because it reigns me in.  It makes me aware of my words, my actions and the general outlook for what's around me.  I cry easily.  I anger easily.  And I console easily. I like to think of myself as a person who is sensitive to others' needs, wants, emotions, life circumstances and arenas.

Do I make off-color jokes?  Yes, absolutely.  I do have a sense of humor, but I will, all the same, go out of my way to ensure that the words coming out of my mouth are not fowled by a lack of tact and consideration of what other people may be going through.

Maybe I'm arrogant to admit it outright, but I do claim some pride in this.

I've been insulted by friends, for wasting my life by going to college, I mean, "everyone" goes to college, so what makes me so fabulous for attaining a degree?  Right.  okay...so...you don't want your kids to have an education. That's really what you just insinuated.  Maybe I'm really proud of the fact that I made it through college, when a handful of people claimed I would never make it.  Did you consider all of that before you made your ass comments about the nonchalance of getting a degree?  No, of course you didn't.  But I would have.

I've been ridiculed because I don't have kids and I'm not married, and am in no hurry to do so, so therefore I must be wasting my life.  Know what?  Maybe I'm proud that I'm waiting to get married, and proud of the fact that I've traveled, explored and become 100% financially independent.  But I guess, you wouldn't have thought that far because you're not sensitive to the reasons why folks opt not to marry.

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Day 7: A regret and why?

Wow.

Okay, so my mindset is that if you live your life according to regret, then you never grow, getting yourself stuck in some momentary lapse.  This is totally contradictory to living life with passion.

So, with that said, I really don't have any one or more regrets which swallows my train of thought on any given notion.

There are things I miss, and wish I could have attained.  Sometimes Ii think I should have moved faster, or slower, in some regard, worked harder, what have you.  But in the end, I have to own the choices I have made, or not made, and come to some understanding that each of those decisions has brought me to the place I am now.  Good and/or bad.

To regret something, to me, is to isolate yourself from change.  I own my path.  I am not always happy about how I carry myself, in certain situations- I am prone to anger, but I have learned to forgive myself for some rash actions, otherwise, how would I learn.  

I refuse to live in the past, according to regret- and I have always lived my life, streaming ahead of time...this is just me.  In order to plan, and in order to forge a new personage, and become a person I am ultimately proud to be, regret, then, can be no option, otherwise the onward forward motion of life becomes stilled.

Though perhaps, the most important reason for my refusal to live according to regret, are the excuses it allows one's self.  I don't blame anyone but myself for the things that go array in life- I cannot control what others do and say to me, but I am in control of my reaction- and that I must own.  Am I proud of how I have conducted myself in the past?  Absolutely not.  I have made mistakes, and maybe that's the difference.  I recognize my mistakes, but don not allow them to control me as I believe regret can.  

Freedom from regret is empowering and helps hush the guilt.

Regret stunts us.  Regret is an undoing, and I have no regrets for holding no regrets....

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Catch Up Days: Days 4, 5 and 6

Day 4:  In whom are you disappointed and why?


I wont lie- there are a few folks I'm disappointed in.  But there's really only one person whom I can really hold accountable, up to this point.  And it's a spit fire of a girl, all of 5 feet 2 inches (if that) with a mouth like a sailor and a head still stuck in fairytale land.


I suppose then, I am most disappointed in myself.  I've let myself down, failed to hold myself to goals, and tend to be more emotional than productive, at times.


I'm disappointed in the fact that I have fought to keep my life simple- it is simple- and yet, I still search, seeking the music of other places and mindsets.  I am disappointed in myself for the inability to really define who I am or who I think I am, and then disappointed in myself for holding myself accountable for living according to such a small and confined space.  I'm NOT a simple person, or am I?  I'm really not a simple person, but I love the dreamy thought of living a simple life, even though I'm not totally sure what that means.  It's not that I'm complicated...I am complex :)  There's a difference.


No, really- there is a difference.


I'm disappointed in my constant reminders to others, about the importance of slowing down, seeing what's right in front of you, and then not being able to do the same for myself.


I'm disappointed for not being proud enough of myself either- there's a fine line between arrogance, self absorption and confidence, and I've not yet found that line, so I steer away from it, altogether some times.  Most of the time, really.


I'm disappointed that I never followed through with piano lessons, and that I got rather inebriated on my 30th birthday and chewed out the bar tender...but it could have been a lot worse, I mean, in my defense and all...and I was served a lot of champagne- that I did not refuse.  So, should I be disappointed then?  In myself.


O...


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Day 5:  Gay marriage.  Yes?  No?  Why?


Yes, plain and simple.


The simplest reason I have is this: as humans we have bigger problems than facing the fact that two people love one another.


Isn't it hard enough to find love, period?  Love- pure, tried and true love is a tricky thing in life.  You can seek, search, redefine, attend conferences, and it will still evade you.  The thought of two men or women, lucky enough to find such love is a pretty beautiful thing in my eyes, and to take the freedom of recognizing that in a court of law is embarrassing to me.


I do realize that the argument that gay love is "unnatural" exists and to me, it holds very little bearing on the reality of such a context.


My clothes are made of synthetic fibers, and I buy them and wear them.  My eye sight is aided by the product of contacts and eye glasses- and I wear either every single day of my life.  Plastic is not natural, and yet, it's a basic necessity in life.  Formula is far from natural, and yet women give their babies formula...moms are busy.


None of the above really matters to my heart, though, when I consider what I feel for gay marriage.  The fact that we infringe upon a couples' choice to sanctify their marriage, according to the courts is a sad notion to me.


I also realize that the opposing argument stands, then, that people should then be allowed to marry more than one person...and you know what?  If you can keep up with dual lives, then you're a better person than me, and maybe you deserve more than one spouse.   Good luck with that.


I love love.  It's really that simple and if two people are lucky enough to find it in such a chaotic world, and it brings them peace, solitude and joy, then that's what really matters to me.  It's hard enough in life.


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Day 6:  What's up with the animal thing?


This is by far the hardest thing to explain to a person.  This overwhelming sense of protection I feel for animals, and the only way I've deemed it possible to really pinpoint is with one word:innate.


Some people are built in a certain fashion.  I was the kid who chose the disfigured stuffed animals out of fear they would never have a child to love them, and who better than me.  I kept blades of grass I'd somehow aquired out of fear that the planet would feel as though I was abusing it in some fashion.


It's bizarre and it's caused me a boat load of awkward discussions and odd glances.  


Maybe it has something to do with some very loose sense of the term God.  Maybe I was wired this way, to love animals.


Nothing sets me off into a rage, more quickly than the thought of an animal being mistreated, and it's something I have not been able to redefine, but my responses to it are certainly more private than they once were.  Sometimes, not all the time.


As a young girl, I thought it important, essential to life, that each person bonded to some animal, and mine has always been a wolf.  There are a lot of terms for this type of thinking: guardian, totem, animal guide/spirit, what have you.  But in the end, it's something I still hold on to, despite society's downward trodden belief in such fantastical things.


And I feel sorry for those people, who've lost that sense of connection.  And the impact we have on the world around us.


I love love love, and you know what?  It could be worse.


I could've been the kid, skinning cats in the garage, but I'm not- my psychosis is built differently.


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