Day 16: Choose a song on your ipod- why did you include it?

"Fisherman Blues" by the Waterboys

This is one of the most romantic songs- ever.  It makes me happy, it makes me smile with a huge grin plastered all about my mug.  It brings back fond memories of Chad, wishing we had had enough time together to have listened to this song together- Chad, I know that you are with me when II play this- I send it to you with everything I have.

This song brings me to heavily wooded passages, and fairy rings about me.  I t brings me to darkly lit bars, on the craggy coast of some ocean, filled with a simple people whose lives are bound by myth, stories of legend and  mermaids.

This song inspires me to dream, love, write and wish.  It gets me to the gym-it's my closer song, getting me to the end of a workout.

This song reminds me of home, eating fish and chips at Ketch, and swigging beers, watching old men from the sea stroll through to the bar....

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Day 15: Dream job

Um...a writer for starters.  I would love to write, love to read, love to write about the books I've read.  I would love to create a creative system for kids which fostered the very real need to get kids reading, creating and dreaming about being the best possible.  I would love to help foster creative writing, hone in on the necessary concepts of analytical reading and processing.

Our education system is based on numbers, logic, reasoning, science with a massive gap in the element of creating sincere people.  I wrote "sorry" and then erased it- I will not apologize for the severity of that comment.  Numbers and science are fabulous necessary things in life, but they aren't everything in life.  As adults, we lose humanity, compassion and magic.  I would love to cultivate those things in kids, to see them gleeful and utterly lost in a tale which inspires them to catch the world by the strings and pursue big dreams.

I would love to publish a novel someday.  I would love to write a book about the chaos of being a woman and finding a spot in this life with passion.  I would love to own a bookstore.  I would love to see people sitting in velvet chairs, lost in some other place- but most of all, I would love knowing that I took some part in creating a world in which it was deemed acceptable to get that lost...

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Day 14: Choose 3 people who have changed your life

Whoa.  Okay, so going with the first set of folks that come to mind:

My parents- they are utilized here as one, namely my stepfather.  It's a hard thing to come to terms with, when a family separates, parents drift and families seem to unravel before one's eyes.  I have an incredibly complex family life, filled with a personalities, each their own and sets of values which vary greatly.  I see my mother as the one person who seems to keep it together, somehow, and I see my step-dad (my Dad) as the one who gave me a second chance.  Not all of us gets another chance at family.  I did, and for that I am grateful- doesn't mean it's easy, no Sir. I take some matters with a grain of salt and others affect deeply.  I can say with confidence that my parents are two of the most sound-minded and supportive people I have.

Second person would be James B.  This is a friend for life- he's kind of my bestie.  Despite the years, distance and life challenges, we have stayed true to our friendship.  We don't talk everyday, but this is a man who challenges me, time and time again, to stay true to myself and my path.  He tells me things I don't want to hear, but need to hear, and visa versa- he's a constant.

Last person is my boyfriend.  Recognizing the need to understand a person's state in life makes me focus more on my own, and how I share that with someone I love.  We are each highly complex people with deep passions for things which affect us, though I'm more prone to admit those things :).  He's a master of his life, and is one of the most collectively respected people, among both peers and family I have ever met. He encourages me to be me, though it confounds him and pays attention to the smaller details in life.  He's courageous, gifted, skilled, reasonable and stubborn all in one handsome package...

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Day 13: Biggest regret

Well, ain't that a humdinger.  I already responded to something similar to this on day 7- so I'll just free write about something else....

I am glad that the days seem too short, with time escaped in to oblivion because it means I have a job.  It may take up most of my day, and finding time to squeeze in the gym, laundry, grocery shopping, a shower, packing a lunch for the following day, returning phone calls and sleep is a tricky business, but I make it work.

I'm glad that paying for gas causes my heart some pain each time I fill up because it means I have a car.

I'm glad that scooping cat poop every other day sometimes makes me gag because it means my cat is healthy...and here, beside me on the couch, curled nose to back foot, wrapped in a cloud of white goodness.

I'm glad that the occasional heated debate takes place in life because it means that myself and others still abide by some fashion of personal passion and truth.

I'm glad to see a stack of bills because it means that I have a roof over my head, heat, light and hot water.

I'm glad that people offend me because it reminds me who I've chosen not to be.

I'm glad that people mock me because it means I have something they do not.

I am glad that my mom and pop's still give me the proverbial slap to the face because it means they still hold me accountable and to standards.

I am glad that a pike of laundry sits, waiting for a wash, because it means that I have a washer and dryer.

I am glad....

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Day 12: What are you most afraid of in life?

Being trapped.

Literally, figuratively- it's all the same to me.  The literal meaning of trapped is most terrifying, insinuating some form of binding and the inability to escape.  And yet, to feel this in a less literal way, is a painful feeling.  I've had plenty of jobs, in which I've felt trapped, begging and looking at the horizon for any opportunity which might present, to me, some means of escape.

Being trapped, though, in a relationship, is by far the most dreaded, at least to me, that is.

To be stuck in an unhappy marriage or relationship would be my downfall.  To engage in a relationship, in which I completely lost my sense of self, my goals, my passion and some sense of excitement would break me, I'm afraid.

The fact that I have never married, and never had children relieves me, at times, to no end.  There's freedom in that.  The universe could have bestowed upon me the perfect man at an early age, true.  And life could have been a field of lavender in summer time, but that's not how it worked out for me.

Instead, the universe gave me the gumption to maintain my sense of self and see, openly, when a situation presented itself...sometimes it took me a while to get to a state of recognition, yet ultimately, I can say that I am confident in my choices, up to the point and take some pride in the fact that there was no option, to "take the simple or easy route," in life.

Taking life in stride, amidst the chaos, is something I could certainly work on, but the concept of staying true to myself is a pretty solid one, in my mind...the idea of marrying for anything other than love is unacceptable to me and something I could never bring myself to do.  Marrying for security and out of desperation might be....

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Day 11: What's the first book you see on your bookcase..write about it

Our Looks, Our Lives:  Sex, Beauty, Power and the Need To Be Seen by Nancy Friday.

I picked up this book, originally, while in the CA Credential Program, as a way to better understand what I would be up against, in terms of adolescent girls.  What I didn't know was how much I would take from it, regarding my personal life, as a n adult.  This book is genius in its attempt to discuss and find some reason in the chaotic world of being a woman.

Mostly what I missed for years, however, was the absolute 

sureness of self, the bravery that I owned prior to adolescence, 

that self-image inside that made every door I opened and optimistic 

adventure; why would people note love me? (p247).

So much of my own sense of self seemed to vanish in the seventh grade.  I began to understand the concept of beauty- and I was not it.  I began to understand the concept of making an attempt to better one's self-image, and for that I just had no time, interest, or perhaps, I thought it not worth it to bother any way.

I really should read this book again- it's not about being a feminist, I learned this later in life I suppose as I watched the pretty girls, I realized, somehow, or conjured it in my brain, that smarts would have to carry my weight- and yet, that in itself, didn't always work either.  

I miss who I was as a kid.  I was gracious, thoughtful, kind and I believed in magic.  I still believe in some form of magic, but I also feel that there are times in which...

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Day 10: Name 3 things that enrage you and why

I'm thinking I should have titles this series of blogs "Deep Thoughts with Brett Miller," because they're all SO SERIOUS.  What in the world?

Anyway, on to the topic.

Generally, I have very little patience for folks who think that mockery is the most intellectual form of wit.  To be witty entails far more than the slice of the tongue.  It's also about being quick on your feet and clever.  Deeming one's witty pretenses under the guise of general lack of tact is not the way I choose to carry or handle myself.  Being an ass and then covering it up with humor isn't funny.  It just expresses a shallow heart.

Second, as we might expect, revolves around the way we treat animals and the planet.  I don't believe this Earth is "ours," and I don't believe that animals and the world is ours to do with, simply, as we please.  It's a borrowed home.  Someday we will perish and the Earth will still spin.  Mama Nature has us beat, big time.  

Third revolves around what we do in "the name of God."  We all have a basis of thought revolving around God, some of which deem God for not.  Yet, using God as an excuse to make your own means, or more, collecting money, sickens me, really.  I could....

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