...which reminded me of this...
And then this...
Oh, and then this is what made me get up...
And with no dire plans to keep my mind busy, thought has set in.
And one notion, in particular, has taken up residence in my brain, for over a week now, well, since last Monday morning, if we're shooting for precision. (Psychologists like it when we can pinpoint the precise moment ill thought takes hold. It helps us in the process of overcoming. Or something like that).
Anyway, on the drive to work last Monday, a sad thought occurred to me.
I had a moment of clarity- and it was a sad one, all things, considered. It was pathetic, selfish, arrogant and desperate. But it was honest, and once I got it, I realized what it is that remains the hardest part of growing up, for me.
Sure, I have a patch of unruly grey hairs, set atop the back portion of my head, to the left, though still well hidden beneath some solid brown. My skinny jeans, no longer fit over my thighs, and my visits to the dentist and doctor are more frequent.
But those things aren't so bad, really.
I've earned my grey hairs, thank you. And they are a lovely shade of grey, after all.
Nope, the hardest part of being an adult, for me, is...
Consider this fair warning: that I told you ahead of time, and admitted that this is a totally self-absorbed piece:
is...coming to the understanding that my importance and secure spot in some select lives, is just not as important as it once was.
Friends don't return phone calls.
They don't text back.
They don't even call for no reason at all.
They don't visit.
They don't call for romantic advice anymore.
There are no Sunday brunches, or sitting on couches, after sleepovers, recovering from a grossly inappropriate consumption of wine, the evening before.
There's no shrilled and girlish gossiping.
No more movie nights.
No more inviting myself over, without the courtesy of calling first.
I can't even get responses from friends on Facebook.
I thought, at first, it was me.
And then, after a decent self-loathing weep, I realized the inevitable: people are just too damn busy. My friends are married, and they talk about their wedding days, comparing notes. They are having babies, posting photos of their babies' first steps on Facebook, comparing notes and offering one another advice on potty training. They are taking time off work to be "Mom." They are proud, happy and fulfilling dreams.
And I just don't have a lot in common with my girlfriends these days.
That hurts more than anything else. Really. It does. Say what you will, but it's the truth.
I don't even spend time talking about the old days anymore.
The feeling sucks- there's really no way to get around the brutal honesty of it all. But it does offer me something else.
Without the hectic social calendar, the empty space gives me some breathing room. I spend a lot of my time comparing my success to that of other people, and the measures of that said success have changed with the tides, from college graduation, and respective degrees, job titles, raises, and now, men, and life status.
I also realize that my life must exist outside of my own measures of success, outside of my friends' lives. Outside of my past.
Everyone else seems to have moved on, grown up and accepted their stations, in life, with ease. I have struggled, and why?
Simple: I spend some serious time feeling sorry for myself.
God, it's so gross.
I love my friends, and quite honestly, I have some of the most amazing folks, on the planet, as friends. Our friendships are wholly different than they started, and I have been there through weddings, breakups, babies, parties and losses- and I love them all for it. More importantly, it makes my heart happy to see my friends at peace. It's amazing to have been there, holding hands through it all...
...and I wouldn't change a thing...
It's time for me to be a grown up now...and without the care of comparison, and a schedule of chaos, I am learning what makes my life worthy, what makes my soul sing and what brings my life quiet and solid pleasure.
Like how lucky I was to have seen this:
And this...
Ahhh....
