"...and a night that's full of soul and light"

Song of the moment: Fisherman's Blues by Waterboys

Dear Chad,

Today, I popped my Waterboy's disc in to the cd player of my car.  The speakers in my car are blown- shocker, I know.  I figured that at the very least the memory of the song, even in the lightest space would be a nice treat.  Fisherman's Blues came on and...my speakers erupted with the song.  I felt like you were sitting, right there with me, quiet.  Right beside me.

When I got to work, I shared the song with a friend and he shared a few memories of that song with me.  Funny, he reminds me of you sometimes.  You two would have been chums- you're similar in nature, and it's a comfort to me when I see some of your eyes in his own.

But I digress...

When I heard just the start of the song, I thought of you and my heart smiled widely.

Your eyes came back to me, open, shining like cool water.  When you smiled, Chad, your eyes played.  They lit up like cold fire, right there, burning, always laughing.

It's different now, listening to our music.  I have come to listen with ease, now.  There was a time I was unable to listen to our songs.  Couldn't bare it, really.  Your loss was hard for me, and I took it rather unwell for some time.

When you passed, I thought I had broken up in to tiny pieces and I had a hard time putting my memories of you back together again.  My Mom saved me in that moment.

She told me to talk to you.  Unabashedly.  Just talk.

"But he's gone," I would fight.

Mom was persistent, you know...she suggested I keep my heart lifted up to you.  

So, I tried it.  

I talked to you in the shower, in the car and on walks.  I asked you for help.  I talked to you when I was spooked at night, alone.  I asked you for advice.  I've called you an ass for some of the jokes you made.  I've said "I told you so," when the memory of seeing Horizon milk and Tom's Of Maine toothpaste took placement in your refrigerator and bathroom counter crept in to mind.  I talked to you after break ups and losses.  I've thanked you many times for protecting me...that one time.  I've reminded you that I still love you.  I've thanked you for the walk down the aisle at graduation.  I've also cussed you out for leaving this place because I miss you.  I've laughed at the memory of us, driving home after school and the pain we all put our last period first-year teacher through, our Senior year.

When Willy held me on the day of your Memorial service, he saved some of my pieces that day.  I wouldn't recognize him if I saw him today, nor him, me but it matters not really.

I thank you for that moment too.

We were such an odd pairing of friends- and we were a perfect platonic match, for the same reasons.

Very rarely a day passes that I don't talk to you.

And when I hear our songs, now I smile.

It's been suggested that my speaking of and talking about you and displaying my photos of you is...er...bold. Brave. But...I've always been bold.  And I talk about you, display and dust the picture frame, which holds your photo because I celebrate you.  

Period.

I just wanted to get it in writing, I guess.  And wanted to let you know that I still love you.

It would have been your 31st Birthday last month.  Happy Birthday, sweet man.

Love,

me

Thank you Mom and Dad R. for the pic...